Little awarenesses. Little moments. Little ah-has. They happen for us all. Some days it's one after another after another. Other days it seems as though I'm stuck under a snag in a class IV rapid and the volatile power of each surge of water hits me right in the head over and over and over and I'm all why can't I stop drowning... Today, I feel like me. Alive. Aware. Open. Protected. Supported. Loving. Soft. Sexy.
I hear myself in my head sometimes or out loud. "I want to do what I love and live my purpose and be able to make a living." I was swinging in an energetically low way the last 3 or 4 days. No major thing. No metaphorical straw. Just feeling blue and emotional and feeling all the feels. In fact, we watched Mean Girls last night for the umpteenth time and that one girl, in the scene where all the girls are sharing apologies and jumping in the big pile of other girls? The scene where the girl wants to bake the rainbow cake, and she says, "I have a lot of feelings." Yep. That's where I've been living for the last few days. Waking up feeling like a solid person instead of a soggy pile of anxiety and tears felt really good, even at 4:30 in the morning.
On to the full circle, total transparency moment. I want to do what I love is sometimes code for, I want everyone to like me. Insert big eyes or face palm emoji here. I, Corrine Hathaway, want people to like me. Sometimes it's like a rush of my whole life flashes right in front of my face and a pattern becomes clear as day. Oh, I actually do care what people think of me. I don't want to care. I'd love to be all, this is me and fuck it if you don't like it... But here's the best part, at least it felt like the best part to me, I'm free! With each moment of ah-ha we move closer to enlightenment, to freedom, to complete peace and equanimity. It's easy to get wrapped up in I knows and knowledge and I-ness, but as Shunryu Suzuki says in Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind "In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities. In the expert's mind there are few.” Always a good reminder. There are great teachers everywhere. Beyond the yoga studio, beyond the classroom. I've learned more from the rushing of water in a river than from any professor.